Meditation is evolving on me as I use it. Excitng my nerves, calming my brain, it brings up depressive and elative feelings and memories not just during but generally afterwards or in my dreams as I become conditioned by it. Slowly a general conditioning towards it is occuring and I am feeling neither up nor down but relative calm, less resistance. I suppose the mental and emotional instability of the past must slowly be ironed out before its benefits truly show in a calm sea, i.e. slow constant brain waves over longer periods of time. Each time the whole process deepens I get some major emotional trauma, reliving lots of past heaviness in a metaexperience awakeand then having intense dreams, at least last week or so anyway. This forces me through to accepting another base state which is more stable, controlled, healthy, robust, resilient, nonreactive to stressors. But this is not just mental but rather the whole energy body, emotions, physical body. One is completely transformed, otherwise it would be superficial, useless. I was wondering about higher states when I can hardly concentrate and I think that total transformation physically in the now and of past memories stored in mind and body is critical. This takes time and patience. Light at end of tunnel, road map sort of thing. It ain' t worth it if you don' t have to work hard and figure it out for yourself like if a guru snapped his fingers and I were in a deep trance then that might be counterproductive as all the work in between that I had to learn myself would not have been done.
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